Yep, I spent the night in the desert last night. I’m sitting out here at Red Rock at my campsite. Of course, this makes me more of a man, right? Haha! I mean, come on, I haven’t washed my hands since I got here, and I’ve cooked all my meals with the same dirty dishes. (I’ve got my pup here with me; she’s my “dishwasher”-no lie) I’m sitting here in my camping chair with my laptop out-haha, again. I’m been thinking about how this may be one of the last times that I camp alone, or with my wife alone. The next time we camp we will most likely have a little girl with us, our little girl. I am still humbled that the Lord would count me worthy to have such a life as this. I am reminded as I sit here of His grace and healing power in my life. I beg the Lord to continue to heal my brokenness even as I sit here.
“Lord heal and sanctify me that I might be the husband and father that you desire me to be. Teach me how to point my wife and little girl to YOU as their TRUE Father.”
Being in the “wilderness” with Jesus has definitely brought me closer to “being a man”. For example, I didn’t get any sleep last night because I laid in my tent on the hard, rocky ground. Halfway through the night by toes were numb, and I was literally freezing my ass off. How, you ask, does this make me more of a man? Well, it doesn’t other than the fact that I have shown my stubbornness and stupidity like most men do. Silly little things like this remind me of my need for Jesus’ activity in my life. One of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning, is known for his yearly trips to a random cave where he goes to be alone with the Father. I am kicking myself for not taking more opportunities to do this before I become a daddy. However, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper gently that it will be “ok”. If all goes as it should I will do my best to be a responsible parent, but the life of my little girl lies completely in the hands of her creator, and hope-to-be Savior. All I can do is model for her the deep need we all have for a Savior, and trust the Spirit to draw her to Himself.
In about 48 hours I’ll get on a plane for Texas, where I’ll reconnect with my wife, who’s belly will have probably doubled in size since the last time I saw her. In that belly is the second girl (Morgan being the first) on either side of our immediate family. I have only one girl cousin on either side of my parent’s family as well. This excites me, however, it may excite our future baby’s grandparents even more! From Dallas we’ll head to Austin to reconnect with some friends, and do a short training with some college-aged world changers. After that I’ll fly into St. Louis, load up a truck, and drive to Orlando with one of my mentors to help facilitate the “missional track” of the annual “exponential church planter’s conference” I nearly wet myself when I think about sitting in front of pastors from all over the country, and share about how our lives have been changed through more organic expressions of the ecclesia. I am humbled to even think about this opportunity. I am sent to my knees in desperate pursuit of Jesus, and the leading of the Holy Spirit for guidance. I beg for the ability to exalt Christ above anyone/anything else. I question my ability to pursue such a task in my broken state. I praise you Christ for using such broken, jacked up people to usher in your kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. Lord Jesus have your way.
(In the midst of NOT sleeping well all night I did get to see the sunrise coming up from behind the mountains this morning-it was beautiful, and worth a lack of sleep=)